iHave Him Whipped
by Mulligatawny
Summary: In which Sam overhears Freddie say he's the boss in their relationship and decides to prove him wrong. /Seddie oneshot.


A certain blonde-haired demon is walking down the hallways of Ridgeway, chewing on a piece of bacon she bought with money she stole from Gibby. She has just recently came out of detention because apparently Ms. Briggs doesn't appreciate it when you pour liquefied rotten eggs all over her car. Pfft. Whatever. She's about to turn the corner when she hears her boyfriend's voice.

"What do you mean Sam's got me whipped?" he asks. She peers around the corner and she sees he's talking to one of his AV club friends, Nelson. What kind of name was Nelson? A nubby one in her opinion. And her opinion is always right. Don't believe me? Just ask her. Intrigued by his question, she decides to eavesdrop. After all, the dork gave up his right to private conversations when he decided to be Sam's boyfriend.

Just in case you're on a whole new level of cluelessness, she's dating Freddie Benson. Shocked? So are they.

"I'm just saying she seems to be wearing the pants in the relationship." Nelson replies defensively. Sam rolls her eyes. Who the chiz says that anymore? Leave it to Freddie to find some creature who isn't cool enough to be classified her equal and actually become friends with it. This kid's so lame, he makes Freddie seem cool. Yeah. He's that bad. "I'm totally the boss. I mean, come on. I'm the guy, not her.", Freddie answers. Sam starts to feel annoyance. She decides that after the next date she goes on with the geek, his lips will be very swollen. And not from kissing.

"I guess you have a point Fredward." Nelson says, wiping his square-rimmed glasses. Sam feels like smacking him across his pale face. Who would be stupid enough to use Freddie's full name? Why remind him of the curse his mom bestowed upon him? To her, insults like a "Fredweird" and "Freddork" seem like a step up. Next time she got hungry, she was definitely making sure Nelson was paying for it. Or in other words, she was going to intimidate him into givin her his wallet. She thinks it's suitable punishment for the fact he's past Freddie on her 'Dork-O-Meter.'

As she listens to Nelson and Freddie walk away in the opposite direction talking about the latest PearTech gadget, she starts to think about the relationship she has with Freddie. It takes a total of two seconds to decide that she's the boss. Momma isn't second to anybody. However, she has to get this through Freddie's thick head. Sam smirks as the beginnings of a plan that involves Freddie's public embarassment and the degrading of his masculinity. Not that he has any.

/

She takes a bus over to her house, since Carly's at the dentist today. She shudders. Such horrible memories...

She walks up the stairs of the apartment building she lives in and as she's going down the hallway, she can hear her mom screaming at the cat to stop polluting her air with its icky cat breath. How are they related? Sam enters the apartment just in time to see her mom slam her bedroom door so forcefully, it pops off the hinges. Oh yeah. That's how.

She sighs and goes in her room. She takes out a sheet of paper and a pen and throws the bookbag on her bedroom floor, adding the homework she doesn't plan on doing to the mess. She clicks the pen and it makes an amusing sound. So she unclicks it. And clicks it. And unclicks it. This goes on for a few minutes with her staring at the pen, obviously entertained. Sam realizes what's happening and snaps herself out of it.

She's easily distracted, so what? Not like focus gets you anywhere in life.

A list begins to appear on the paper and Sam begins to laugh at her mental image of Freddie's reaction. She has him totally whipped and it was about time he knew it.

/

By some miracle, Sam actually makes it to school early the next day without being dragged by Carly. But her showing up early is essential to her plan so she does it. Momma doesn't do things halfway. Unless it's homework. Or paying attention to Mr. Howard's lectures. But those are trivial matters and therefore they don't count.

She pins the list on the school bulletin board right in the middle where it'll catch someone's attention who will then tell their friend, who will then create a chain reaction of people finding out about the list and reading it. Then the entire world (well the entire school but close enough) will know. She looks outside the window and sees some nerds starting to arrive to school and she quickly runs to the other side of the school and out the back exit. Why? The answer is obviously that she can't risk her reputation by being at school so early. The other students might think she actually cares about her education and that thought disgusts her.

She hops onboard the bus and goes to the park where she terrorizes the hot dog vendor into giving her free food. Why pay for a hot dog when it won't be as delicious as one from Robin's Weiners?

Sam waits at the park until it's fifteen minutes before school starts to catch a bus that takes her to the street corner where she usually meets up with Carly. They walk into Ridgeway together; Sam feeling triumphant and anticipating the humiliation she can't wait to witness. So of course she feels disappointed when she sees two custodians taking down the bulletin board. But this is Sam Puckett so of course that disappointment quickly transforms into anger.

She stomps over to the custodians, fury evident in her expression, and she starts yelling at the custodians. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" The custodians look taken aback and even afraid of her despite the fact they're easily a foot taller than her.

"W-we were t-told to r-r-emov-ve th-this.", the younger, more attractive custodian stutters. What? Just because she's already in a relationship doesn't mean she can't notice good-looking guys! Besides, only her mom would be interested in a loser who was like thirty and already to condemning himself to a lifetime of cleaning up after teenagers.

She balls her hands into fists. Seeing as she's too tired from having woken up at seven-thirty that morning (which by the way was not meant to be a time for people to be awake) to beat anybody up, she just starts talking through clenched teeth. "Well can I at least have a flyer I posted on there back?" The custodians (who are obviously scared by the look in her eyes) just nod their head yes. She takes it down and can't help but smile on the inside at her ability to strike fear into the hearts of grown men with her Puckett Power™.

She walks back to Carly who had witnessed the whole ordeal and she has a very confused look on her face. "What just happened?"

"Well...It's kind of a long story so bear with me here. I overheard Freddenstein and his friend Nelson-"

"Isn't Nelson that weirdo with the ugly glasses and has clothes that look like they're from the fifty's?", Carly interrupts, scrunching her nose at the thought of him. Even Princess Perfect can't pretend to like him.

"Yeah. So like I was saying before I was rudely interrupted-"

"Oh like you're one to talk about rude.", Carly interrupts...again. Sam gives her a look that says _Shut up now _and continues.

"So Nelson was telling Freddork how I've got him whipped and the stupid nub had the nerve to say he was the boss in our relationship! I mean, hasn't he been paying attention? Momma's never second to anyone! So, I made this list, woke up early just so I could put this on the bulletin board without anybody seeing me, and those douchebags decided to take it down!", Sam finishes with a huff.

Carly giggles and shakes her head. Only Sam Puckett would do this to her boyfriend. "Well Sam I don't know what you're gonna do.", Carly says just as the bell rings.

"Well apparently it's time for homeroom. See you later and don't forget we moved iCarly up to tonight!", Carly tells her best friend as they walk off in opposite directions because in a stroke of idioticalness, the school put them in separate homerooms.

You can practically see the lightbulb go off above her head at the mention of iCarly.

/

"CARLY!", Sam yells over the chatter of the crowd leaving the school. She starts pushing people out of the way. When she sees Nelson, she 'pretends' she doesn't notice him and 'accidentally' shoves him down forcefully. She doesn't even bother to fake an apology.

"CARLY!", she yells again.

"I'M RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!", she hears Carly shout. Part of her thinks her ears are bleeding. But then again, bleeding is a sign of weakness and Sam isn't weak.

"STOP YELLING!", Sam screams.

"I'LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP!", Carly replies.

"I'M STOPPING RIGHT NOW!", Sam shouts right in Carly's face.

"WELL IN THAT CASE I'M STOPPING NOW TOO!", Carly answers, apparently intent on shattering Sam's eardrums.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!", Freddie chimes in from behind them. The two best friends shut up.

"So Freddie are you coming over today?", Carly asks.

"No. My mom's taking me to the dermatologist.", he replies, frowning at the floor.

"Why would you need to go to the dermatologist?", Carly inquires.

"Because after we spent the day at the pool last week, I came back tanned. I tried explaining to her that's what happens when you spend time in the sun but...", he trails off. Sam rolls her eyes and drags Carly over to the bus they always take to Bushwell Plaza, not bothering to even say bye to her boyfriend.

Eh, that's what happens when you're raised by a manical mother who barely knows how to tie her shoelaces much less educate a child on proper etiquette. How Melanie is an angel is beyond anyone's understanding.

Sam and Carly enter Bushwell Plaza, tracking mud inside. Lewbert starts screaming at them. "AAAAAK! MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ON MY SEMI-CLEAN LOBBY!"

Sam who isn't in the best mood (in case you're wondering it's because the whole concept of math needs to die in a hole) yells at him in response. "JUST BE GLAD MY MUDDY FOOTPRINTS AREN'T ON YOUR COMPLETELY DISGUSTING FACE!" Lewbert gasps and he looks like he's going to verbally explode. Carly notices this and starts dragging Sam up the stairs.

After much complaining, they finally get to the eighth floor. They're about to go inside Carly's apartment when they're almost trampled by Spencer who's running down the hallway, yelling something about Socko having Japanese soda that tastes like happiness. Sam can't help but wonder how he's in charge of Carly instead of the other way around.

Carly sits down on the couch and starts doing her math homework and Sam goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. Carly looks at Sam as if she's about to ask her if she's going to do the homework when she looks back down at her paper. She already knows the answer.

"Well Carls, I'm gonna go type up my blog for . I'll be back down in a while.", Sam calls out as she walks up the stairs, a large bowl filled with bacon, turkey legs, and ribs in her hands. And this is just the appetizer.

Sam is already in the iCarly studio by the time Carly notices how much food she's taken so she doesn't get scolded by Carly, who is ninety-nine percent teenage girl, one percent mother hen. She leans down and takes a piece of folded up paper from her sneaker. What? Not like there was in any room in her bubble gum and candy bar-filled pockets!

She walks over to Freddie's tech cart or as she secretly referred to it; his cart of nerdy wonder. She takes his PearBook and plops down on the bean bag chair and begins typing. After fifteen minutes of transferring her list to the word document, she logs in to and clicks around until she sees a button under the heading _'Sam's Blog' _labeled _Upload New Blog. _She clicks it.

As she sees the file being loaded onto , she can already taste the sweetness of revenge.

/

"And that's our show for tonight!", Carly's overly entusiastic voice rings throughout the studio.

"See you next week! And don't forget! Baseball bats are your friend! Oh and remember to check out my new blog!", Sam shouts with a wink. She looks at Freddie who has a confused look on his face.

"And we're clear! You uploaded a new blog without my help?", he asks. Sam sighs.

"I may not be a tech dork but I know how to click on buttons. Well, my mom said I had to go straight home after iCarly so I could help her interrogate her latest boyfriend." Carly stares at Sam, perplexed.

"Interrogate him for what?"

"You know, no criminal record, no wife, isn't a douchebag...", Sam replies.

"Those things haven't stopped your mom before.", Freddie chimes in.

"Well her probation officer told her she'd get in less trouble with the law if she avoided skeevy guys and for some strange reason, she listened. That reminds me, got any rubber gloves, Carlotta?", she says looking at Carly expectantly. Carly lets out an irritated groan.

"I told you not to call me that! And why do you want rubber gloves?" Sam looks around sheepishly.

"In case I don't wanna leave behind any fingerprints..." Carly looks like she's going to reprimand her but instead just sighs.

"Go downstairs and get some. Spencer has the freezer packed with rubber gloves he's gonna use to make a giant hand sculpture." Freddie gives Carly a confused look.

"Why does he have the rubber gloves in the freezer?"

"Something about not wanting flimsy rubber gloves. And yes he actually used the word flimsy." Carly answers. Sam waves her friends good-bye and goes in the elevator. As the elevator doors close, she sees Freddie reading her blog, becoming visibly offended.

She laughs the whole way down.

/

**_Sam's Blog:_**

_Yo, iCarly fanfreaks!_

_It's me, the half of iCarly that's currently on probation! But you could tell from the giant picture of me to the side of this blog. And if you can't tell that's me, you need the stupidity smacked out of you ASAP. _

_Well, anyways, let's get to the matter at hand. See as many of you know, me and iCarly's tech dork are dating. Earlier this week, he was talking to his lame, dorky, nubbish, uncool, (insert more insults here) friend Nelson. (Nelson, if you're reading this, I want you to know I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I also think you need a life but that's another story for another time.) Then he and Nelson had the nerve to say Freddie was the boss in our 'relationship'. (What a gross word.) And I being me decided to write this and post on my blog for the entire webiverse to see! (And yes, webiverse is a word!)_

_Proof that I, Samantha Joy Puckett (aka Awesomeness Personified), Freddie Benson (aka Lord of the Nubs) Completely And Totally Whipped_

_-He does what I say when I say it, no questions asked. _

_-I however question everything he says and he takes it._

_-On the rare occasion he decides to fight back, all I have to do is glare at him and/or threaten him with a blunt object and he backs off. And he starts shaking like a leaf which I find enjoyable._

_-I'm Momma. Momma never loses. Therefore, I'm in control._

_-I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong. And she (not he) who is right is in control._

_-I'd bet the hundred bucks I don't have if you asked anyone at Ridgeway other than Nelson (who sucks), they'd say I'm in control. And they who don't say that will become they who are hospitalized._

_-I'm the girl. Ladies (and I use the term 'ladies' loosely) first. It's one of the laws of nature or something._

_-I'm awesome and he isn't. The awesome are always in control._

_-Because I said so._

_And there you have it! It's a short list but I didn't feel like making it longer. You're lucky I bothered to write it at all. But, my reasons are still true, no matter how few I have. Feel free to agree with me in the comments. Don't however feel free to disagree. You're not even allowed to think I'm wrong. If you do, I have a sock full of butter and I'm not afraid to use it. And anybody who makes fun of Freddie for this will mysteriously end up gagged at the bottom of a river in Wisconsin. Abusing Freddie (physically, emotionally, and mentally) is a privilege only I have._

_PS: Freddie if you're reading this...GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!_

_/_

The next day is a Saturday like any other. Spencer's working on a sculpture with a fire extiguisher in reach. Carly's making her special lemonade. (Words that can replace special in that sentence are: disgusting, gross, barf-inducing, and not decent enough for that weird nine-year-old boy that eats out of the Groovy Smoothie's trash can.) Sam is sitting on the couch like Carly and Spencer never get to do anymore. And right on time, Freddie walks in, still looking slightly peeved from Sam's blog.

"Hey Fred-a-rooni, how's life on the nubby side of town?", Sam greets affectionately. Well...affectionate by her standards. Freddie looks at her with annoyance clearly on his features. Sam takes slight offense at this. Just because she degraded his masculinity online doesn't mean he can ignore her! Freddie doesn't notice this however, and instead walks past Spencer and Carly and starts rummaging around in the Shay sibling's pantry. Sam scoffs.

"Well fine! Don't talk to me! Why do I need you when I have my good friend the televison?" She then begins surfing through the channels until she finds a rerun of Girly Cow.

She starts watching and laughing, occasionally glancing at Freddie who seems intent on emptying every last cabinet in the Shays' kitchen. The screen changes into a commercial for Daka sneakers and Sam is about to burst from Freddie not even acknowledging her presence. Sam could remember a time when guys treated their girlfriends with more respect. She thinks about this for a second. Actually, she can't remember a time when this happened but since Freddie's less of a real boy than Pinocchio, he's supposed to be exempt from that rule.

She's about to get swingy with one of Carly's precious new couch pillows when Freddie plops down next to her, handing her a plate that has all her favorites on it: ham-and-ham sandwich, a fried chicken leg, Fat Cakes, and pieces of meat skewered on a stick. (This is why the Shays have such a high grocery bill.) She smiles at him and happily eats (inhales) the food as she, Freddie, and Carly wait for the commercials to end.

Freddie doesn't mention a word of Sam's blog. Sam looks at him (the annoyance gone from then at the plate piled with her favorite foods, feeling pleased with herself. Girly Cow comes back on and it's her favorite episode; the one where Girly gets asked by two bulls to the prom and she says yes to both.

Life is good when your boyfriend's whipped.


End file.
